do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
