the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
