my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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