I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
