Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
