Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Boobs are out for the taking
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
