Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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