i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
