This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
