Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
