My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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