The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Randomize
