if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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