"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
