Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
