My liver just broke up with me...
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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