If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
