I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
