TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
