Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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