I'm so fucking centered right now
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I FOUND THE LEGS
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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