i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
