so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
