Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
