I met the friendliest cop last night
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
