your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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