i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
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