i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
