The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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