My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
