I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
