Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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