so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
