thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
