Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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