My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
