I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
