I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
