I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
