Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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