Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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