You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
