yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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