Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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