You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
