he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
