drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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