Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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