I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
