anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We are two peas in an std pod
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
