i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
