You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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