I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
