I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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