I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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