Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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