I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Randomize
