Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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