you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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