I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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