His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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