Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize