Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
